| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2007|03:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I cant do this, I feel so alone. My life is nothing but driving and sitting at home while the boy sleeps. I ask him if he looked for a job, he says have you? I do nothing but work. I'm having enough problems as it is, i cant deal with loosing my home and fucking my credit too. I'm so far in debt. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I dont want to bother my friends, they either have their own problems or i dont want to burden them with mine. I just needed to get shit off my chest, and actually i hope everyone ignores this. Even here i cant let myself type all im feeling. I always tell everyone it will get better, but right now i feel like im in a cycle that just keeps sprialing down. Sunday is my mom and scotts birthday and fathersday. cant get them anything. then comes bre's 16th birthday, cant get her anything. cant even buy food for myself. I'm breaking down, im trying not to. Its not working. |
|
|
| bored |
[May. 15th, 2007|06:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tool | ] |
|
|
|
| ARG |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|03:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rockos modern life in the background | ] |
So I'm using my mothers mini van until i find out if my car is being totalled or repaired on tuesday, it sucks! I really dont think the car could be any worse. First all the weather stripping is falling off so it doesnt keep heat in, (cold as fuck) The back gate handle is all jacked and you have to pull the handle back down every time you open it. The seat is broke in a really far back positin, which is fine for my 5'8 mother but not so cool for my 5'2 self. The seatbelt cuts across my neck, the window fell off the track, and the seat has to be the most uncomfortable seat ever! I already have a messed up back and the accident didnt make it feel any better, i actually had to stop her car on the freeway to walk around because my back hurt so bad from that seat! Not to mention its a mini van which equals GAS GUZZALER! I'm basically paying my company to work right now bacause im putting more money into the tank then im making. I have spent $60 in two days and the gas light came on again as i was coming home!
So I went to the physical thearpist thursday for my usual appointment and she would not let me do it until i went back to my doctor and got a note saying it was ok, this is after i had spent 4 hours at beaumont ( where i have my physical thearpy) in the pediactric ward listening to babies screaming while enduring the worst migrain of my life! Word to the wise, if you are under 23 and have to go to emergancy, dont go to beaumont, you get stuck in the ward with all the screaming sick children and get no help, not even asprin because your older and they are spending all their time on the kids. So now i have to drive back down to the east side to sit in a doctors office for four hours just to get a note that says i can continue my thearpy.
Good news is I signed up for my phlebotomy class. It was expensive as hell but hopefully it will be worth it. Its only 5 days, one monday a week for 5 weeks. Its from 10-4 in centerline which means I will have to fight rush hour to get to class and back home. The only good thing about it being where it is is that if i get there really early i can go visit Katie at work because she is just a mile down. Hopefully that goes well for me, wish me luck! |
|
|
| DESTROYED |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|06:05 pm] |
So my brand new car is totalled. Got hit on eight mile while stopped at a red light. The car was doing like forty and pushed me into an SUV type thing. They were able to drive away, i was not. FUCKING BRAND NEW CAR!!! a 2007. I cant believe this shit. I cant work, I cant go to school, I cant pick up sara's gift, nothing. I still have to pay on it though, so im paying for something i might not even be able to get fixed! I am so pissed, and really really sore.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|07:38 am] |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
Last Monday I bought porn for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) stevay20 (10 points). In February I ruled Canada as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). Last month gothintraining and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In June deathbycoffee and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In August I set watchtheright's puppy on fire (-66 points).
Overall, I've been nice (605 points). For Christmas I deserve a Lego set!
Sincerely,
dark_angel667 |
The names in order are stevay20, gothintraining, deathbycoffee, and watchtheright. I have no idea why they dont show up |
|
|
| Decided to do these while reading Martine's new post |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|04:53 pm] |
 | You scored as Fallen Angel. You my friend are a Fallen Angel!You were amongst the closest to God, yet love led you down a path of self-destruction. You find yourself crying a lot, because of the pains of this world. Yes it is very crewl, yet you know there isn't a thing you can do about it. Follow your heart and you will find some of your former happiness.
Fallen Angel | | 83% | You are a Vampiric Elf! | | 75% | Vampire | | 67% | Black Witch | | 67% | You are a Demon | | 50% | </td>
What creature of the night are you you most like? (Pics!!)
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Black Witch. You are a Black Witch, and a very powerful one at that! Beware he who crosses your way, I sure wouldn't want to be him! Just beware who you place your curses on, for they may in turn curse you with an even more terrible curse!
Black Witch | | 92% | You are a Vampiric Elf! | | 58% | Fallen Angel | | 50% | Vampire | | 42% | You are a Demon | | 42%
| </td>
What creature of the night are you you most like? (Pics!!)
created with QuizFarm.com |
Also had vampyric elf one of the times lol |
|
|
| stole from SARA!!! with the cute belly |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|06:56 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My computer desk | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pills are wonderful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some shit band playing on the tv radio | ] |
My name is: Vanessa
I may seem: scary
But I'm really: Caring
Sometimes I feel: Fighting until someone is bleeding
In the morning I: usually go to bed
I like to sleep: On my side with scott
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: doing exactly what I am right now, being fucked up with one of my best friends lol
Money: causes panic attack and depression
One thing I wish I had is: A house, im sick of being in a one bedroom apartment
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: being sick all the time
All I need is: To be happy
If I had one wish it would be: for all my friends and I to live happy healthy lives
.FIRSTS.
First best friend: Sara
First car: Blue Astro Van
First date: Real date? LOL Scott a year ago at leo's coney island
First real kiss: LOL first kiss was in kindergarden, but french kiss, I think that was the first matt when I was like 14
First break-up: Matt stohoviac ( dont know if we realluy broke up lol, he was 19 and i was 15 and he went to the army)
First screen name: AngelsKake
First self purchased album: Alanis Morsette - Jagged little pill
First funeral: My uncle Kenny when I was like 3
First pets: chump, beast, twerp, pooker = Cats and Leah my giant scznouser
First piercings/tattoos: Besides my many ears, My lip at 14, tattoo was at 19 and its a cresnt moon and a jewel sun with a black widow spider and spider webs with red spiderwebs on the sides, on my lower back
First credit card: That would be my chase mastercard
First true love: Scott
First enemy: Rachel Deathridge
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Black Sabbith
.LASTS.
Last cigarette: i'm a chain smoker
Last car ride: this morning on the way back from the eye surgen
Last kiss: A couple hours ago before Scott went to bed
Last good cry: when my mother asked me what she did to make all her children so screwed up
Last library book checked out: I think it was a star wars book in junior high
Last movie seen: Freida, but in the theaters, x-men 3 i think
Last beverage drank: Coke
Last food consumed: bagle and cream cheese
Last crush: Jimmy Jaxx when I first met him
Last phone call: Martine
Last time showered: Last night
Last shoes worn: my etnies
Last cd played: tool undertow
Last item bought: Gas lol
Last annoyance: not being able to breath, which was earlier today
Last disappointment: getting removed from my route
Last time wanting to die: Probably about a year ago
Last time scolded: I get scolded all the time, for not going to school, eating things i know will make me sick, etc...
Last shirt worn: My anime fairy butterfly tee
Last website visited: yahoo mail
Last word you said: Just thinking
Last song you sang: Tool prison sex in my car
What is in your cd player?: tool
What color socks are you wearing?: white with black toes and heal
What color of underwear are you wearing?: they are purple flowers
What's under your bed?: nothing, I sleep on a futon matress
What time did you wake up today?: 10pm ish
.FUTURE.
Where do you want to go?: Japan and Ireland
What is your career going to be?: Pharmacist
Where are you going to live?: Anywhere but California lol, hopefully back on the east side of michigan
How many kids do you want?: 2 if they are a girl and a boy, 3 if i get the same the first two times
What kind of car(s): I just bought a new one so im not really thinking of even newer ones, I drive a 2007 hyndai accent
Current mood: content, but my back hurts lol
Current music: the tv radio station in the background
Current taste: coke and ciggerettes (YUCKY!)
Current hair: black that shines purple, medium length with really badly cut bangs, my hair dresser really pissed me off this last time
Current longing: A secure job and a guarntee that i will be happy as I am at this very moment for the rest of my life
Current desktop picture: A really bad Pic of Scott and I that we took with his phone in some bathroom at some underground party while on X
Current favorite artist: Thats a hard one
Current book(s): world of warcraft = war of the ancients
Current color of toenails: Black
Current time-wasting wish: That i could feel like this with my best friend forever
Current hate: Lieing nurses who get me "removed" from my route
P.S. I am having a halloween party on the 29th, call me if you want to come, food, drinks, horror movies, MUST wear a costume, this is a halloween party!!!!!! |
|
|
| fun stuff |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|05:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my apartment | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | muisc radio cable station | ] |
Ok so my life has been kinda crazy lately. Lets see, well I bought a brand new car in august. Its a 2007 Hyundi Accent. It gets amazing gas mileage, 37 miles per gallon. I pay $20 a night to fill it up compared to the gas guzzeling piece of shit tempo I use to drive, which usually would cost me about $60 a night. Lets ee, I have $15000 worth of credit cards now, I'm trying not to be stupid with them but its just so easy!!!! Atleast im paying like $40 over my minumum payment a month. Next I dropped 2 of my 4 classes because I just could not do it with my full time job too. After I droped my classes I was removed from my route. I was so fucking mad!!!! I knew my route could be taken away from me at anytime, but the reason why is what got to me. Some nurses decided they didnt like me and called the pharmacy and told them Lies about me. My company doesnt belive them and either does the pharmacy, but the nursing homw contracts are worth more to them then a loyal driver that does whatever they askes and didnt call in the cops when one of their drivers backed into my brand new car. Oh yeah, my new car is a magnet, I swear to god! I had not even owned the damn thing for 26 hours when one of the drivers in the big white work vans at the pharmacy backed into it, while i was behind it loading totes! I got the hear the whole horrable crunch and pop noises. The driver was super upset, almost crying, I was almost crying too, But i felt worse for him then me. Since that day my car has been hit by a seagull in the middle of the night, it got stuck in my grill and i had to have the janitor at the pharmacy remove it and one of those yard sale signs came flying down the freeway and hit my car right in the windshield. I has been run off the road, almost hit by a semi, and many many other things. It also sucks that i dropped those classes because now that im not working I have plenty of time for school. I was really worried about not being able to pay my car payment among the many many other bills I have. The car payment scared me the most because its not just in my name, my dad co-signed so i could get a better deal on intrest. So it would not just be my perfect credit fucked, but my dad's too. Luckly A1, the courior service i work for, came through. I think i have mede more money just doing odd runs this week then i have in years. The only problem is is that its not steady, so i can never guarntee I will have enough money for my bills. So if anyone knows anywhere hireing part time Please let me know!!!
Ok whats next? I came down with Pneumonia and Bronchitis about a week or two ago. Being a sevear asthmatic that was not a fun time. I basically sat on the couch trying to breath. I could not really talk, I took to much air so if anyone triend to call me in the past few weeks and i didnt answer, thats why. I would like to thank my loving boyfriend and Katie for just being here to watch me and make sure i didnt have to go to the hospital.
Hmmmm, well I went to the laser eye surgen and found out that my contacts were killing my corneas, so no more contacts for me. I'm stuck wearing a very old pair of glasses until november 2nd and 3rd. Thats when I go in for my interlasek surgery. Everyone wish me luck! It would be amazing to wake up in the morning and not be legaly blind! Not have to put eye drops in for my contacts or try to feel around to figure out where I took off my glasses the night before.
So i guess thats about it. I'm sitting here with Martine, one of my very best friends, and we both decided to post LJ's because we have not done it in forever. I love Martine, She is forsure my best friend. Sara is my best friend in the way that i think of her as my sister since we have known eachother since we were two. I am so happy Martine left Bryan. Don't get me wrong, I like him as a friend, but after all the shit he has put her through for years and years and years I hate them together. When he is sweet, he is the sweetiest guy in the world, but i have learned that that does not last for long at all. He kept realing her back, playing games. If he could have actually seen how much pain he put her through, emotionaly and physicaly, he would have done the right thing and stayed away. I hate that I'm saying that because in the beginning they were great! He was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. But over the years something happened, he changed severly. I kept hoping he would go back to the old bryan, even made excuses and stuck up for him with martine, but it just is not happening :( Oh well, she is SOOOOOOOO much better off now! There is a certain someone who is being a complete sweet heart to her and I think they would be an amazing, drop dead georgous couple. I hope her life starts to right its self. all I want for any of my friends is for them to be happy, and I will do anything in my power to help them get that, and to protect them. They are the most important things in my life. Around this time last year One of my best friends left me when i needed them the most, needed them to tell me to stop, dont be stupid. That was a very dark time in my life, probably the darkest yet. I cant really blam them, they didnt know what else to do. They apoligesed and everything was good again. They didnt really have to apoligise, I understood why they did it, and it was for a good reason, but every once in a while I think back on that time and want to cry. I have never felt so utterly alone. But anyways, that was the past and this is now and im am very happy right now! I am happy with my amazing friends and the positive changes they are making in their lives, I am happy with scott, even though he is not happy. That poor boy suffers from such bad depression and anxity. I try to ge him to take my pills but he refuses, afraid they will run out. I love him, I really do. I dont know if im what he needs though. He needs someone affectionate who actually has a sex drive. I am far from being affectionate, I try but I'm just not a very touchy feely person. I think it comes from being bi-polar. I met someone whos daughter and she was asking me questions about the mental disorder, like why dont we like people touching us? and why when we are in a manic phase do we just have random permiscous sex? I tried to explane it to her but its really hard. Even when your in a manic stage you are a little iffy with people touching you, its just very uncomfortable, you crave touch but when someone gets to close you start to go in a panic attack mode. I really wish I could make him HAPPY happy. Also does anyone have any suggestions on how to bring back your sex drive? I have not had sex since june and even then I had to force myself. I do enjoy sex, and I find my boyfriend very attractive, but for some reason I just don't have one. It is probably all the different medications im on, but I cant stop taking them so i need another alternative.
Ok well my back is starting to hurt from sitting here and typing so much, I just have one last thing to say.....MARTINE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| LIL died |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|06:18 am] |
|
So now Lilly is dead too. yup everything leaves me. I still have Zane. God I hope he doesnt die. I want to go to Japan and visit a friend. Need to sleep I have work. Love you all. |
|
|
| My baby snake is dead |
[May. 7th, 2006|05:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
So today i am very sad. First i had to watch a ground hog get hit by a car and then it was still alive and trying to move, but it was on lapeer road, which is super busy. I tried to block traffic, but i could not wait anylonger, i had to go, i cried.
Now the really sad part, i come home from work and find my 4 month old nake dead, on his back. I have no idead how my little Ash died, Lil is fine, or was. I put him in a bag, to take to the pet store so they can tell me what killed him, they dont have a clue either, thats why im bringing him in. In the mean time, i cleaned out the whole tank, washed it all down, then put lil back. She has now curled up in a little ball and has not moved, im afraid the same will happen to her. I am just confused as hell, he was fine 6 hours before i found him, before i went to work i checked on him, he was really active and cute as ever. Oh man im going to start crying again i know it. I know it was just a snake, but it was my baby, and Scott's favorite. he was always so good, never bit and was eager to play with people. If anyone knows anything about snakes, and why they would die at four months with no sign as to why, can you tell me please? i have honestly gone over everything possible and i still cant figure it out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|12:11 am] |
|
going to flordia.....be back in a week.....a week with my family :(.......sara come save me |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|05:06 am] |
|
I have just noticed that i can not spell worth shit. please excuse that fact. thank you :P |
|
|
| snakies |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|05:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
So im sitting here, checking up on my friends because i cant slepp. One of my stupid snake, Lillith, has been trying to eat a mouse for the past three hours and still has not made it past her mouth. her head looks like a ballon, well actually she looks like a sperm. But im worried about her so i cant sleep until she swallows or throws the damn thing up! her brother ash has been chillin in his feeding box for 2 hours because he downed his. so yeah, thats whats exciting in my life, im watching my snakes eat, yay! how are you? |
|
|
| .... |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|02:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Deftones Battle Axe | ] |
.....I'm Trapped |
|
|
| help |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|02:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | deftones | ] |
I want to sleep if you are awake
Still making believe that you aren't at all crazy
And if you don't believe I think you should
You make me so proud
Still you love to think you have always been this way... but you're all wrong
And you only sleep when you've lost cause
Well I still believe that the cause was always me
And if you don't believe I think you should
You make me so proud
Still you love to think you have always been this way
Well I'd love to think you will someday feel the same
And you love to think it will always...always...
If you still believe it wil always be this way... well you're all wrong |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
contemplative
